Another phone call with disappointing news
Things aren’t progressing as we’d hoped
Time to add another injection
Time to add more bruises to my stomach
All for a maybe, a might
Processing while watching little kids play in the surf
I wonder how they came to be
Did their parents struggle to bring them into existence?
What would our child look like?
How much more bad news can I take?
How can I hold hope and sadness at the same time?
How do I keep going?
How could I even think about stopping?
These thoughts swirl in my head as I sit gazing into the ocean
I’ve meditated
I’ve acupunctured
I've yogaed
I’m trying
I’m deeply sad
I’m trying to hold onto the light of hope, but it’s difficult to grasp
It’s sand slipping through my fingers
I want to build a castle with it, but it keeps falling
Each grain, an ounce of hope that whispers, ‘keep going’
Each gust of wind and tidal wave, sadness and reality threatening to tear it all down
I hold the pieces of hope in my hands like a collection of broken shells
The ocean invites me to throw them back in
The shore beckons me to use them to fortify my crumbling castle
Plovers chirp
Waves crash
Crabs burrow
And I cry
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